What day is it? 5?

Dear Diary,

It's early...not much has happened yet. Last night's run was a scorcher...that isn't really news. I've been a crampy monster the last couple of days. Hopefully this means I'm not pregnant. Pregnancy would really ruin marathon training. Then again I wouldn't mind another bundle. 2011 hasn't been a good year for that though. Apparently my hormones are making me a little melancholy.

Sigh.

In good news I have the sweetest little family in the world.

Dear Day 4

Dear Day 4,

I miss my people. I think that's the pull to go back home. To relocate our little family back home. We're taking steps to make it happen and it scares the hell out of me and I start to think about what we would leave behind here in terms of outlets (DANCE) and opportunities...I can talk myself into and out of anything. but then I read about Charlie. And I think of the Charlie I lost. And I think of the smiles on the faces of old friends. And the peace that I find at our church. And the old running routes along the river. And I know we're doing the right thing.

The scary, risky, right thing.

And I schedule the interview for next week and hold my breath.

Day 3

Got an email about a job...terrified and excited about the prospects. Being a grown up is scary. OMG if we moved I wouldn't be able to dance. That makes me sad. But we would get to vacation again...eventually. The husband needs an offer so that the weight isn't baring down on my shoulders - I know they are broad but this is nuts.

Hanging on by a thread, bundle of nerves.

Dear Diary, Day 2

Day 2

Monkey's new phrase is 'walk away.' Like when he is upset with you for trying to help put on his shoes or if he wants to be by himself he tells us to 'walk away.' Wouldn't it be great if we could tell others to walk away...perhaps it would be even better if we knew when we ourselves should just walk away. There's a thought. In other news I'm on page 600 in The Pillars of the Earth - good book, but very long. I wonder if the library reshelved my 'hold' book. Guess I'll find out today.

One Thousand Gifts and a Thirty Day Challenge

One Thousand Gifts - a post I happened upon thanks to an old blog I used to read. The part that stands out the most is that it focuses on the gifts we HAVE rather than the gifts we want. A lesson in gratitude is always a good thing.

AND

A thirty day challenge of writing...dear diary style, nothing too terribly difficult or profound. But 30 days of commitment to my reality. Things may get emotional here for a little bit!

Day 1
A mentor's email took me off guard...sure the market is tough, but the husband and I want to go home. Taking Monkey to the ENT today, really hoping that he doesn't need tubes. The thought of having him knocked out for this procedure is enough to make tears sting my eyes. Thank goodness I have a dance class tonight to center myself...anticipating bad news is never a good plan.

Finnegan Begin Again

I read a fantastic post about writers today - what it takes to be a writer...as in, what can I do to be a better writer. The response was refreshingly frank and cut to the quick. To be a better writer you must write. A lot. Sometimes we (I) forget that the way to improve at something is by working at it. I am a better runner when I run consistently. I am a better dancer when I attend classes regularly. My technique improves with practice...and persistent practice...and perfect practice.

There have been times lately that I have half-assed my way through my 8-5. Too many times to count and I am disappointed. This is not the professional life that I dreamed of, but it is my reality and until my reality changes I must push forward and BE better about my work ethic. If I am not given the opportunity to develop skills, I must SEEK the opportunity. Rarely are things handed down on a silver platter.

As I look at the different areas of my life, I wonder where I need to improve and where I want to improve. I NEED to improve my fiscal responsibility...and I WANT to do so as well. I WANT to improve my waistline (preferably in the minimization aspect), but I do not NEED to lose 20lbs. I NEED to be physically active ~5 days a week for my mental well-being and I WANT to be a better dancer and runner. I WANT a new career path and I NEED to create a plan of action.

So what does that have to do with writing?

I don't know, but I know that by writing things down I find clarity. The pen (or the keyboard) becomes a compass, allowing me to find my true north. Create a path toward a new reality. An instrument of change, a tool of introspection. When I do the things that I enjoy, the world becomes clearer...and cloudier. If I did A, then I could not afford to do B.

And we're back to money.

Someone asked me my least favorite question the other day: If you could do anything, what would it be? (in the professional sense)

God if I know. It's been such a long time since I've allowed that thought to sit and fester for very long because it always comes down to 'how much will this cost?'. I can sit here and tell you what I told him, which is what I enjoy and what I am good at...or I could sit here and really think about it. REALLY think about it.

The answer is inconclusive; I keep coming up with variables. Where do I live? Do I have $$ in the bank? Am I done having kids? What is my husband doing? Do I have the talent already?

So, I suppose if I remove the variables (metaphorically of course), what would I do if I could do anything?

Travel to Italy and find myself...I think...

Ahem...

It would appear that I forgot about this blog...oops. Perhaps May, 2010 is when I resurrect it...perhaps.