Quiet re-re-entrance

I haven't written in a while. The last post explains quite a bit and yet nothing at all. We went on to conceive yet another and lose yet again. 3 non-viable pregnancies in less than 11 months. Needless to say, I want answers.

Every day I am grateful for the child that I have. The one I can hug and kiss and tickle every morning and every evening. And every night my heart aches a little for 3 who are not here. I wonder if I'll meet them some day. You know, if you believe in that kind of stuff.

A heady and quiet re-re-entrance to this blog.

Expected Due Date

Today was due date #1 of 2011. I thought that I was in a better place...until I walked into my office and opened my email. OCD, efficient me made an appointment today titled 'Bun.'

I think I need to go home now and pull the blankets over my head.

Really?

I forgot a whole week? Not really. I've been waiting and wondering this week. Counting days of a cycle...women trying to get pregnant know what I mean. Cross off another month. Cycle #4 since that day that rocked me to my core. Almost 4 months.

But I'm blessed. We're blessed. There is a smiling little boy in our lives that I wouldn't trade for the world.

Weekend...whoops!

So much for my streak - I skipped the weekend. But that's good, right?! That meant I was out living life and being productive...right? Or it means that I am suffering from insomnia. I want to quit my job and move away. And have another baby. And go back to school.

I just heap the stress on myself.

*take a bow*

Friday!

I can't wait for tonight!!!!! Girls night in and then the husband returns! Single parents...I have no idea how you get through your days without taking speed.

Fingers and Toes

Dear Diary,

My fingers and toes are crossed. I've been praying for 2 days straight. Please, let this be our moment. Husband, be yourself - and people will be impressed. I believe in you.

Dreaming about mittens in the Mitten.

Sigh of relief

Dear Dad,

I'm glad you're okay. I wish I lived closer so that I could help you and mom out. It scares me to think that you're getting older and that you may not be around...will you see your grandson go to Kindergarten? Will you see him graduate from high school? And then I start counting. You probably won't see him graduate from college.

That's a difficult reality to face.

I don't tell you enough - I love you.

Dad

Dear Dad,

Today is all about you. We need you around for a long time to come. Be well.

Love,

Your youngest

Facebook Confusion

A few hours ago my mom wrote on my Facebook wall...she mentioned an event I hadn't heard of and a person that I didn't know...I've never been so confused.

And she isn't answering the phone so I can't figure out this gibberish.

Parents are weird.

Compression

I wouldn't mind a new pair of compression tights, too bad they cost almost $150. I certainly could use a new pair of running shoes...I ordered a pair and they are too small. My current shoes now feel too small. Did I make them smaller subconsciously?

The dog is allergic to something. Her eyes are swollen and red. Poor sweet puppy.

I am reading 3 different books right now...they are very, very different from one another.

Fiscal Friday

Who spent all of our money? I could blame the oil change and the vet bill...but then I see how over budget we are in the restaurant and coffee categories, and the 'everything else' line item. I spent all of our money (the husband did help a little).

Peanut butter and jelly for the next 2.5 weeks.

Awesome.

Holy smokes

I walked in to work today and my boss had been fired. I'm not sure there is anything else I can say. Things were bad, but I'm leery about the transition...

How?

How did I get to where I am today...professionally. Personally, I wouldn't change a thing (minus 10lbs). But professionally I feel like I'm at my own personal rock bottom layer of hell.

As I stood in front of a copy machine yesterday wasting an hour of my life photocopying a BOOK for someone else I marveled that not that long ago I aspired to being a surgeon.

How did I go from aspiring med student to overpaid secretary?

In a word. Confidence. Lack of confidence.

Career fail.

What if?

The old adage, what would you do if you knew you could not fail is a little outdated...today it has become more of 'what would you do if you had unlimited resources, financial or otherwise?'

You know you're in trouble when someone asks you about the job you applied to and your response is 'boring and safe.' Sure the job would be boring and safe...it would also be a huge risk.

But the phone isn't ringing, so no one needs to panic. Unless you want to panic because the phone isn't ringing.

I want the phone to ring for him though...I want that for us.

Oh Diary, no one told me growing up would be so difficult. Thank goodness they didn't tell me.

Oops!

Nuts, I skipped a day. How did that happen? Apparently I was having so much fun I didn't turn on my computer. That's okay by me. Poor husband has a phone interview today. He's nervous. I'm nervous for him. This whole situation is making me crazy. It's also making me grow a pimple horn. Just call me unicorn. Beautiful.

In other news, my dance guru is out of town this week...sadness. I suppose I'll have to branch out and take someone else's class...*sigh*

Tired Legs

Dear Legs,

Thank you for carrying me 12 miles today. You did good today legs. I'm sorry I didn't ice you the second I got done. I'll ice you now - right after I eat that ice cream.

Dear Diary...

I really wish I had an ounce of domestic diva in me. I love all things fabric...I can't help myself. I just WISH that I knew how to sew. As in, I can't even sew a button. Partly, I've never really tried. Sewing intimidates the hell out of me. Just like all things yeast freak me out. I am intimidated by making bread. Thankfully Husband can both sew a button AND he makes delicious bread. But I'm driven.

I'm trying my hand at bread next week. Mark my words...there will be bread.

As for the sewing...oh, diary...let's make a little promise, okay? This weekend I will try to cut fabric in a straight line.

Conflicted

Dear Diary,

Everything we wanted is getting closer to attainable...so why do I feel so conflicted? Oh yeah, I hate change. I hate moving, even though I don't like our house. Rentals always kind of suck. I'm getting ahead of myself. No one has promised us anything. But the carrots are starting to dangle in front of our noses. The possibilities are palpable.

And I sit on the edge...conflicted. And more than a little scared.

One Step

Dear Diary,

I got us one step closer to moving home yesterday. Phone interviews are the worst, but I suppose it went well enough. I'm worried I won't get an offer. I'm worried that I will get an offer. A couple of years ago I vowed that I would never be the one to uproot our family again. Reality may prove otherwise. I don't know what to hope for at the moment.

In other news, I read 'Marley and Me' last night. The whole book in one sitting. I sobbed like a baby and proceeded to lay in bed petting Lu for hours. Silly dogs. They hold our hearts captive. Moving home is a promise we made to Lu when we first moved South. She's a northern girl, just like her mama.

Anxiety Cleanse

Dear Diary,

If you want an all natural colon cleanse, just have an anxiety attack. Cheap fix.

Overshare? Not sorry.